secrets that I kept...

Not so much of a secret now.... secrets... covering all emotions..all the truth that lies beneath...
sometimes I do felt like I live like a someone who masked all pains perfectly.. very very well...
The fact is... I'm a loner.... haha...sounds a lil awkward... but I am one before and sometimes
it's not completely gone.. the feeling comes back and it's hard to deny that I do feel lonely...

googled loner - A loner is a person who avoids or does not actively seek human interaction or prefers to be alone. There are many reasons for solitude, intentional or otherwise, and "loner" implies no specific cause. 


haha... I google almost everything...


Well , yeah , I am one who avoids people if I can somehow... It's hard for me because I'm really bad at joking stuff
and I'm actually kinda nervous when it comes to having a proper conversation with others.. I'm a lil shy too when it comes to expressing my feelings...


Ever since I was baptize, I claim to be a new person, from the inside and out ^^!
 Slowly learning how to be myself...
and let 'me' be me to make friends. Struggling at first, but it turned out alright. You here, with me, gave me so
much encouragement saying being myself is just beautiful. 


Before having you, if you look around me... there is not many people who are close to me... to be exact..
 there is actually none... Believe me, no one greets me when I passed them by..haha..
if you'd noticed.. no one actually long to sit beside me.. truly, no one.. everyone has got at least one..
 but look here.. I really do have none.. not pitying myself.. seriously, I have none. There was once I begin to think..hey.. whats wrong with me? Am I not good enough? or pretty enough? not smart enough? Everywhere I go...I seem to have no one to be with. I look up at my contacts. Who should I call? call the closest friend I had.
 I try. I've tried... I do try my best...
Once, twice... the third and the fourth...it ends up with a 'sorry, maybe next time we hang out alone'. 
The only ones who wanna go out with me was those guys who wanted my attention and time only willingly say
'yes, I do wanna go out with ya and spend time together'. Friends... are they just some people I know?
 All I need was just one.. one friend... That's all I need... not more than that. Maybe, I suck at making friends...
or I hadn't put in much effort or making sacrifices and stuff.. I really don't know what has gone wrong in me..


Cried out to God at times. I need to know whats wrong with me. His words... over again and again I found
the similar scripture telling me that I was not alone at all... He was with me.. and He was my friend...
tears just poured out... comforted at the same time... there He is! My source of strength! 
I learn to be a good friend to someone who is need rather than searching for a good friend for myself...
I hope to bring along joy,warmth,love to the many friends that I now have. And when I realized that He was
the only best friend that I had, He gave more friends. From time to time, I will remind myself that this friend of mind
is the best of all and none can take His place. Jesus, you are my friend that knows all my secrets... and You're always trying to tell me that You are my friend - whats more to worry!
 Loyal as He is! Loving , caring and look how Gentle He is to my heart!
What a great joy to share to all of you~~~~ >o<!!!~~~~~~~ You could also have this relationship with him!
And then you'll say... Oh gosh, what a good friend He is!

ha..finally...

I felt a sense of relief when I woke up from my afternoon nap just now...
so glad that we're over... sounds so wrong...
but that is the way I feel...
I guess im really not fit for a relationship...
since im overly sensitive going insane most of the time thinking , doubting , feeling insecure and so on..ish!!!
but yet....
 I can still go on secretly seeing you...
even though I know how im breaking every rules and covering every truth just to see you...
.....haiya... been so naughty...
I can go that far... cause you're worth every moment of my life..
I remember everything... every laughter... I keep them under my bed...and now its dusty... ^^
I was lying on my bed praying to God...
Please bring us back to those days when chris and I first met...
Let us felt the same warmth, same love, same security that we once felt...
I want to walk in favor of You...
As I draw closer to you each day, reveal to me what
 must be done...so I'll live according to Your purpose, always...
AMEN! hallelujah!!!!


I gotta study now...exam coming! 

The day I forgot about your bday...

Its Sunday..Its labor day...huh... Monday's a holiday thats all I know...exxxxccitingg~~
I went to church...worship...read Bible... Holy communion... hmm...? I'm wondering... why are we having Holy communion? Oh... Its the first day of the month of May , I guess... hmm... so... its the 1st of May ya...
still, Its like somethings missing... what about 1st of May...what about it ya???
I didn't take much time thinking about it.... all I have in mind was about Ps. Sylvia msg... and kacau-ing cutie yan yan... and why today Chris is sitting so near ( I mean just one big step away from me) to me... well, he doesn't sit so near to me... or maybe I was sitting near to him cause I was sitting at the edge. Hmmm.... now service is over...gossshhh..I still have no idea...
why is CHRIS BUGGING ME A LOT MORE THAN USUAL!!!??
I'm like 'shooh shooh' stop sticking me...
Well, it's not like usual... ughh... I really don't know whats happening... then..

Chris asked me... Hey, Sabrina , are you free afterwards?
I said, ermmm... most probably joining the youth for makan then going for a movie with them...
C: Huh? what movie?
S: thor la...
C: Can ya come to my sis's party at five?
S: Huh? Who's Birthday?
C: erm... my sis celebrating my nephew's birthday...
S: Oh... I ask my mum first okay...
C: ...kay....

this is JUST great...up until now... I still have no idea... that this Sunday was your bday.. Ouh..I'm so dead..

I'm still trying to figure out whats so special about today? 1st of May?
So I tried telling you that I wasn't able to make it for the partyyh...
C: You were shocked... HUH?! seriously ah!
S: ngek ngek... no ah.. bluff you only marh.. ghaha!
C:phewh.... I really want you to come leh..

still blank... why huh? partyy>>>chris house>>>1st of MAY??!! OH MY! its your birthday...
 how could I forget about it... ^^ im super sorry!