miss okay...

cmom cmom.... it;s not like the first time people would cross your line mercilessly...
cmom, sabrina, it's A-okay! Put yourself together... get some sleep...
the one thing I couldn't do...is smile... when my heart is aching...
breathe breathe.... I am okay! I am OKAY with everything...
remember what have I learned in the past life...
this is just a piece of cake...
no tears... not hard... no crying... definitely... cannot asma! choi choi choi!
Surrender yourself to God! *waves white flag*



.

You and Me... struggling...

To do the right thing. To obey. To submit to our leaders. To overcome insecurities. To understand. 

To hold on to each other like we have held on for so long up right until now. 

To walk this rocky path together.

It is hard. It feels guilty sometimes. It has never been easy for both of us.

It must have been your determination and encouragement that had keep me going on not giving up on us.

We have flaws, here and there. Nothing much to boast about us being Christians.

There is nothing so perfect about us.

We struggle to like any other young couple would to walk in the way as a Christian should.

And most of the time , I would use all in the name of love then say  'I don't care'!

I want you so badly. I would like to spend most of my time with you.

That is where disobedience comes in I guess.

Its sad to say, that what I'm doing is actually wrong when it seems so comfortable doing it.

I must admit it. And say 'yes', I have done very wrong for all this while.

I cannot hide from the truth.

That we're not allowed to be together yet.

The right time has not come. Parents don't approve.

But we will soon be together as one. 

It has been a beautiful experience being together with you.

All so sweet and bitter at times.

I will definitely miss you oh so close and sticky to me.

No matter what others may say or think about you.

You're always always gonna be so amazingly beautiful, inside and out, to me.

Buckle up!^^ We'll now start a new journey today. To walk right!

 To stay close and uptight with God ya!

I remember how passionate we once was for God.

And you kept me burning even more.

When you say you desire to see a change

It will surely happen someday!

where is the ♥?

Will you ever welcome a stranger with open hands

when you don't even know his or her name

or when they look like aliens from another planet 

giving you confirmations that "hey, they're just not my kind of people"?

Would you throw your hands around someone you know but not yet that close

just because this person wants to be cuddled somehow

and could not find ways to express their inner thoughts but seeking for comfort and care?

Would you go talk to this someone new in your group

just because you are willing to get  to know him or her so badly

and to also let them know how special his or her  presence is to you and friends?

If you ever see someone left out, 

would you pace forth to where she or he is 

to just simply accompany them 

assuring them that they are not alone in this crowd?

Of course this are the tiniest thing that should be taken notice of how you would show love 

to any single person who comes in your way...

But this is also a start to friendship...

I question myself from time to time...

Where is that innocent love, so warm and tender, that has once been shown to many?

Am I just too comfortable with my own group of friends? Couldn't care less about the newcomers?

Or do I have my oh-so-sweet-partner to spend time with? That I forgotten about others?

If I deny all this...

THEN

WHY

IS 

THIS 

GROUP

GETTING

SMALLER

OR

JUST 

STAYING THE SAME AS BEFORE???

Where has your heart gone? Is it meant  to love the ones you are close to only?

Then you and I must be wrong...

because this heart stretches far away...

this heart that beats is able to love many unconditionally..

Just like the heart that Jesus has for many people!

Like an ever flowing river,

pouring with love for the righteous and to the unrighteous...

So love people the way Jesus did and stop loving so stingily and choosy ya! haha!

secrets that I kept...

Not so much of a secret now.... secrets... covering all emotions..all the truth that lies beneath...
sometimes I do felt like I live like a someone who masked all pains perfectly.. very very well...
The fact is... I'm a loner.... haha...sounds a lil awkward... but I am one before and sometimes
it's not completely gone.. the feeling comes back and it's hard to deny that I do feel lonely...

googled loner - A loner is a person who avoids or does not actively seek human interaction or prefers to be alone. There are many reasons for solitude, intentional or otherwise, and "loner" implies no specific cause. 


haha... I google almost everything...


Well , yeah , I am one who avoids people if I can somehow... It's hard for me because I'm really bad at joking stuff
and I'm actually kinda nervous when it comes to having a proper conversation with others.. I'm a lil shy too when it comes to expressing my feelings...


Ever since I was baptize, I claim to be a new person, from the inside and out ^^!
 Slowly learning how to be myself...
and let 'me' be me to make friends. Struggling at first, but it turned out alright. You here, with me, gave me so
much encouragement saying being myself is just beautiful. 


Before having you, if you look around me... there is not many people who are close to me... to be exact..
 there is actually none... Believe me, no one greets me when I passed them by..haha..
if you'd noticed.. no one actually long to sit beside me.. truly, no one.. everyone has got at least one..
 but look here.. I really do have none.. not pitying myself.. seriously, I have none. There was once I begin to think..hey.. whats wrong with me? Am I not good enough? or pretty enough? not smart enough? Everywhere I go...I seem to have no one to be with. I look up at my contacts. Who should I call? call the closest friend I had.
 I try. I've tried... I do try my best...
Once, twice... the third and the fourth...it ends up with a 'sorry, maybe next time we hang out alone'. 
The only ones who wanna go out with me was those guys who wanted my attention and time only willingly say
'yes, I do wanna go out with ya and spend time together'. Friends... are they just some people I know?
 All I need was just one.. one friend... That's all I need... not more than that. Maybe, I suck at making friends...
or I hadn't put in much effort or making sacrifices and stuff.. I really don't know what has gone wrong in me..


Cried out to God at times. I need to know whats wrong with me. His words... over again and again I found
the similar scripture telling me that I was not alone at all... He was with me.. and He was my friend...
tears just poured out... comforted at the same time... there He is! My source of strength! 
I learn to be a good friend to someone who is need rather than searching for a good friend for myself...
I hope to bring along joy,warmth,love to the many friends that I now have. And when I realized that He was
the only best friend that I had, He gave more friends. From time to time, I will remind myself that this friend of mind
is the best of all and none can take His place. Jesus, you are my friend that knows all my secrets... and You're always trying to tell me that You are my friend - whats more to worry!
 Loyal as He is! Loving , caring and look how Gentle He is to my heart!
What a great joy to share to all of you~~~~ >o<!!!~~~~~~~ You could also have this relationship with him!
And then you'll say... Oh gosh, what a good friend He is!

ha..finally...

I felt a sense of relief when I woke up from my afternoon nap just now...
so glad that we're over... sounds so wrong...
but that is the way I feel...
I guess im really not fit for a relationship...
since im overly sensitive going insane most of the time thinking , doubting , feeling insecure and so on..ish!!!
but yet....
 I can still go on secretly seeing you...
even though I know how im breaking every rules and covering every truth just to see you...
.....haiya... been so naughty...
I can go that far... cause you're worth every moment of my life..
I remember everything... every laughter... I keep them under my bed...and now its dusty... ^^
I was lying on my bed praying to God...
Please bring us back to those days when chris and I first met...
Let us felt the same warmth, same love, same security that we once felt...
I want to walk in favor of You...
As I draw closer to you each day, reveal to me what
 must be done...so I'll live according to Your purpose, always...
AMEN! hallelujah!!!!


I gotta study now...exam coming! 

The day I forgot about your bday...

Its Sunday..Its labor day...huh... Monday's a holiday thats all I know...exxxxccitingg~~
I went to church...worship...read Bible... Holy communion... hmm...? I'm wondering... why are we having Holy communion? Oh... Its the first day of the month of May , I guess... hmm... so... its the 1st of May ya...
still, Its like somethings missing... what about 1st of May...what about it ya???
I didn't take much time thinking about it.... all I have in mind was about Ps. Sylvia msg... and kacau-ing cutie yan yan... and why today Chris is sitting so near ( I mean just one big step away from me) to me... well, he doesn't sit so near to me... or maybe I was sitting near to him cause I was sitting at the edge. Hmmm.... now service is over...gossshhh..I still have no idea...
why is CHRIS BUGGING ME A LOT MORE THAN USUAL!!!??
I'm like 'shooh shooh' stop sticking me...
Well, it's not like usual... ughh... I really don't know whats happening... then..

Chris asked me... Hey, Sabrina , are you free afterwards?
I said, ermmm... most probably joining the youth for makan then going for a movie with them...
C: Huh? what movie?
S: thor la...
C: Can ya come to my sis's party at five?
S: Huh? Who's Birthday?
C: erm... my sis celebrating my nephew's birthday...
S: Oh... I ask my mum first okay...
C: ...kay....

this is JUST great...up until now... I still have no idea... that this Sunday was your bday.. Ouh..I'm so dead..

I'm still trying to figure out whats so special about today? 1st of May?
So I tried telling you that I wasn't able to make it for the partyyh...
C: You were shocked... HUH?! seriously ah!
S: ngek ngek... no ah.. bluff you only marh.. ghaha!
C:phewh.... I really want you to come leh..

still blank... why huh? partyy>>>chris house>>>1st of MAY??!! OH MY! its your birthday...
 how could I forget about it... ^^ im super sorry!

I have the best days with you...

I love to daydream in the afternoon...thinking about you & me...
I said , 'hey, guys, duncha think my babies will be sooo~oh~ beautiful? I mean.. they're gonna be soo~ gorgeous
having their daddy's eyes or mine, just think of my baby's skin...nose...lips..and bla and blaa blaah blah!'
friend 1 : eeeeeeee! perasaan!
friend 2 : *looks down* ...ugh...not again...
friend 3 : haha! yea yeah...always ah chris this, ah chris that.. aiyuuh...pening...
wait! I say! they're gonna be chubbily fatty bom bom like their daddy or short & skinny like me when they're a kid huh? watcha guys think neh?



so...watcha think....watcha think!! papa campur mama = muka baby like how ah?

heee heee...*go all shock sendiri*....chuckle chuckle~

----- no response-----

friends 1,2,3 continued doing their h/w ignoring ME! sobs!

I start counting the days...the months..all the time we had together...
suddenly thought of me having emotional moment... and I wonder how I could go on and on..
prison by this insecure feeling that I have..so lets discuss..

friend 2 : you know, guys, it never really happened to me... all I needed , I guess..was..security...above
              everything else... I want to feel safe in any relationships... the warmth... its what I truly needed..
              Maybe that will avoid me from being worried wondering if I'm enough or not...

friend 3 : yeah...I'm afraid to get hurt too.. I rather not continue a relationship feeling so insecure...it's like    
              you've to go through this worrying things that aren't necessary and something that we could prevent..

I nod here..nod nod there.. after all the serious talking.... we laughed it off...by joking about all the handsome
guys that are awaiting for us to be admired... or to be stalked? lol..

I know in my heart, the mistakes that I've done... the path that I've chosen... call us childish or anything...
but they do have some points there... even though we know, of course, there'll be hurts in any relationships...
unless if we're not committed to one another.. but then.. it could always be prevented...if we just try let God
lead you to the right one.. so..here's me...remembering all the days being with you.. praying..hoping.. when time passes it'll prove.. giving confirmations..to us.. how feelings fades away after being blown off by the wind or how time strengthen our love..